Articles: Family Matters
(Taken from an article of this title by H.B. London, Jr., D.D. in Christian Counseling Today, Vol. 18, No.2, a publication of the American Association of Christian Counselors)
I believe someone once said: For God so loved the world that He created the family, and that is when the fun started. From the beginning of the history of man, there have been challenges and blessings galore related to the home. From a personal standpoint, when my family is happy and positive, I find my life so much more manageable. When there is chaos, everything mirrors that condition.
One of the joys of my life has been found as I observed the growth and development of my two sons, Brad and Bryan, and their families. Each son is a very different mix of gifts and personality, but both are extremely dedicated and committed fathers. I think some of that success can be traced to their upbringing and how we raised them. Perhaps a bit unconventional but, nevertheless, we did it our way.
What you may want to know is that the guru of family matters is Dr. James Dobson, my cousin. He has written numerous books on how to raise kids and survive as families in this turbulent world. Unfortunately, I did not read many of them- they came along a little too late-but Bev and I, without knowing it, actually wrote our own manual for our family; all the while, knowing successful families may have similarities, but are unique in how they relate to one another.
In no way do I diminish the wisdom of learning from the experts, but I do worry that if we are not careful, we will turn out little cookie-cutter households that, in time, will resist our best efforts. Let me share with you several principles we have employed.
Uniqueness: Every family is filled with individuals who are, though related, much different than the other. A huge mistake is to think we can raise and relate to one another the very same way. Resentment will often occur. “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well” (Psalm 139: 13,14).
Legalism: As a pastor, and now a member of the staff at Focus on the Family, I am convinced that for many in our homes, we do them a disservice by having too many rules. Trust is the key. Well-articulated expectations and fairly enforced consequences are essential. For example, in our home we allowed our children to set their own punishment. They knew what to expect if they violated our guidelines. “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (Colossians 3:20, 21).
Personal Contact: The society that influences us does not always give proper value to “togetherness.” What we have learned is that the primary influences in the life of a child are not sports figures or rock stars, but the benefit of families eating together several times a week, having meetings where each member can have a say, outings where a son or a daughter has alone time with a parent-not as a punitive event, but a fun time where you laugh and learn more about one another. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Ephesians 6:1). “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord” (Colossians 3:19,20).
Legacy: The greatest influence in my development as a person was my grandfather. My Dad was an absentee father. My grandfather loved me unconditionally, even when others had given up on me. We must find ways to educate our children on the highs and lows of our extended relationships. Talk about deceased loved ones, visit gravesites and childhood homesteads, share memories of your high school days and the lessons you learned, both good and bad, in your formative years. “Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children” (Proverbs 17:6). “… so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children. They then would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands. They would not be like their ancestors- a stubborn and rebellious generation, whose hearts were not loyal to God, whose spirits were not faithful to him” (Psalm 78:6-8). “Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place…” (Ephesians 6:14).
Words: You can devastate ANY member of the family with ill-conceived language. Phrases like, “You always…” or “You never…” can destroy a person’s confidence for a lifetime. Paul says to us, “Do not let any unwholesome words come out of your mouth. Use those words to build one another up…” Everyone in a home needs to hear the words. “I love you,” “I forgive you,” “You are valued and special,” “Thank you,” and “Everything is going to be okay” on a regular basis. If you build love in your children, they will never lack self confidence. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22).
Faith: The words from the Proverbs that say, “Train up a child in the way he or she should go and they will not turn from it”, are in my opinion, written as a goal, not as a certainty. Faith must be taught and lived out by example. Here, consistency is the key as we model in our homes by our speech, life, purity, patience, and our dependency on the support our faith provides as we put our trust in Christ. “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6) “I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also” (2 Timothy 1:5). “Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22).
These guidelines may appear simplistic at first glance, but believe me, for us, they worked. If I had to sum it all up, it would come down to three words: COMPASSION…I care; COMMUNICATION… I am listening; and COMMITMENT… We are eternally connected with one another. Our household will be one of faith and dependence on Jesus Christ.
